Good little Enda

IMF deputy director in Europe Ajai Chopra yesterday thanked Enda Kenny and the FG/Labour government for keeping Ireland on course to meet its EU/IMF commitments, even when it meant breaking all of their pre election promises and condemning future Irish generations to poverty.

"Enda is a very good little boy," Mr Chopra said, "At first, when I heard his pre election promises, I thought he might be trouble. However, after meeting with him, I learned quickly that he was a gutless, spineless liar who would be prepared to sell his own family for the chance to lead his country. Lying to his people was no problem for a man like Enda."

Mr Chopra went on to praise others in the coalition;
"Mick Noonan has a right tongue on him for kissing ass. He kissed my ass several times. As for Mr Gilmore, the Irish socialist, its amazing how a champagne dinner can turn a crusader for workers rights into a heartless tool of the IMF!"

Enda Kenny gets Rebranded

Taoiseach Enda Kenny said today that he switched the title of the 'Jobs Budget' to 'Jobs Initiative' because some people were confused about what was being planned.

It seems that the coalition government are going to make a number of rebrandings to clear up other areas of confusion for the general public.

First of all, Fine Gael and Labours pre election promises are from now on to be referred to as the "Little white lies that were told to benefit the Irish people". The Universal Social charge will be rebranded as the "Happy Happy Smiley Face", while the cuts to the minimum wage will be known as "A small little price to pay to feed starving orphans", and of course, no government could ever reverse that!

Health Minister James O Reilly will be rebranded as St James the pious. The bank bail out will now be called the "terrible thing that fianna fail did" and Fianna Fail will be blamed for everything bad that happened during their term in government, and during this government.

Finally, Enda Kenny will be rebranded as E K Dudemister, to put him in touch with the disenfranchised youth of Ireland. He'll broadcast to them via satellite once a week. They should be able to receive it in their squats in Australia.

E K Dudemister

How many Blueshirts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ever wondered how many members of the Fine Gael Parliamentary party that it takes to change a lightbulb?

Here's the answer. 10;

1. One to figure out if the light bulb needs to be changed.

2. One to set up a committee to determine the status of the lightbulb following the failure of number 1 to do anything.

3. One to draw up a 250 page manifesto in Enda Kennys name, promising that the changing of the lightbulb is Fine Gaels priority, a matter of national urgency, and that it will be dealt with immediately if you vote Fine Gael.

4. One to book first class airline tickets for Enda and Noonan to visit the EU and to talk to European leaders about the lightbulb situation and the need to change it immediately. A link between Irelands need to maintain our current corporation tax and the changing of the lightbulb will be discussed at length.

5. One to explain why Enda never brought up the subject of the lightbulb during his three day trip to Brussels, choosing instead to shake hands with hundreds of Eurocrats and get his picture taken at famous landmarks.

6. One to blame Fianna Fail for breaking the lightbulb, and insure that in future, under the sensible direction of Fine Gael, lightbulbs will never break again.

7. One to video Enda standing below the broken lightbulb, pointing and telling the people of Ireland that, "I want to talk to about a new Ireland where lighbulbs never go out..."

8. One to pay the IMF €50 billion of taxpayers money for a replacement lightbulb.

9. One to stop Dr James O' Reilly stealing the replacement lightbulb and hoarding it with his medical card stash. 

10. One to pay an American company to change the lightbulb because no one in Ireland has the expertise to work for Fine Gael.

When Enda met Jesse...

This meeting of the minds was picked up on tape by CNN. American civil rights activist and former Presidential hopeful, Jesse Jackson was keen to meet the new leader of Ireland. Its a pity that Enda Kenny had no idea who he was...

JESSE: "Ah Mr Kenny I presume?"

ENDA: "yes, thats right. I already gave the keys to the other fella."

JESSE: "Im sorry sir?"

ENDA: "The keys of the car. I gave them to other black fella outside. Thanks all the same."

JESSE: "Do you think that I am a valet?"

ENDA: "Jaysus no, I thought you wanted to park my car. Listen if your not working here, I dont think you should be in here. This is a private function for me. Im a VIP from Ireland."

JESSE: "I know who you are Mr Kenny"

ENDA: "Oh I see, its an autograph your after is it? I cant blame you, you probably dont meet many important foreign dignatories. Give me a pen will ya, this'll be worth money in a few years ha ha."

JESSE: "Sir, Im Jesse Jackson."

ENDA: "Oh Jesse Jackson."

JESSE: "Do you know who I am sir?"

ENDA: "Oh of course Jesse, (whispers) but Im not sure this is the place for a hardcore porn star."

JESSE: "What?"

ENDA: "Now dont get me wrong...I personally admire you and your movies. Myself and Fionnula have spent many a good night watching one your films. What was that one you done? Megawhores from Harlem 3"

JESSE: "Megawhores from Harlem? Are you insulting me sir?"

ENDA: "Of course not Jesse. I mean the acting left alot to be desired but you made up for it with the size of your coc..."

JESSE: "Excuse me Mr Kenny, I am not a porn star, you son of a bitch."

ENDA: "Now Jesse, theres no need for that language. I dont think you should be calling attention to yourself here."

JESSE: "Why? Because Im black?"

ENDA: "No of course not, because your black and here. I dont think you were invited after all."

JESSE: "I was a personal friend of Dr Martin Luther King"

ENDA: "Who?"

JESSE: "Doctor King"

ENDA: "Did he have a hit with Sylvias Mother?"

JESSE: "You imbecile! I ran for the Presidency"

ENDA: "Oh I get it now. Your like the Dana of the states are you? Used to hang around the music scene and now you run for president knowing you'll never get in"

JESSE: "How dare you. I had hoped to raise the issue of Irish travellers with you sir but I see its useless."

ENDA: "Are you getting hardship from them Jesse? Are they wanting to tarmac your drive?"

JESSE: "What?"

ENDA: "Listen, dont pay them cause they'll make a balls of it. And theyll come back and set up a bloody halting site on your front lawn if you so much as make eye contact."

JESSE: "You are mistaken. Im am worried about the future of this minority.."

ENDA: "Dont be worrying, Once I have the concentration camps ready.."

JESSE: "Concentration camps!!!"

ENDA: "Sorry...I mean...relocation camps...once there up and running everything will be ok"

JESSE: "You sir are a bigot and a damn fool. God save Ireland. I bid you farewell"

ENDA: "Good luck with the porn Jesse"

Whos this fecker?

Kenny invites Obama to Ireland

US president Barack Obama today said he planned to visit Ireland in May after holding discussions with the Taoiseach on how Ireland will recover from its economic difficulties.

President Obama said he and Mr Kenny had an “excellent conversation”.

"We talked about PlayStation, girls and our shared love of Jackass the movie," President Obama said, "Before I met Enda, I thought he looked like an imbecile but hes actually cool. He told me all about how he overcame adversity in his native Mayo to form the very first Eoin O Duffy and the Blueshirts tribute band in the 1960's. He also promised to send me the new John Deere calender when he gets home. I cant wait."

For his part, the Taoiseach returned the kind words and declared that Obama was very welcome.

"Well we have the Queen coming that month already," The Taoiseach said, "so that's my spare room gone, but I asked Fionnula and she said its ok for myself and Barack to sleep in the sitting room if we promise not to make too much noise and not to prank call the Green party. I hoping to show the President that Ireland is still a great place. I plan on bringing him to copperface jacks for some culture and fun. My cousin has a combine harvester and he said Barack could sit with him in it for a while. I also want to let him meet Garret Fitzgerald. We'll have to unfreeze him that weekend anyway with the queen being here."

When asked if he thought that President Obamas visit might help the Irish economy, Mr Kenny said, "What?"

GraveHeart: Enda meets the leaders of the EU

Enda:  Sons of Europe, I am Enda Kenny.

Angela Merkel: No, what? ha ha. You cant be. Your too old. Nicolas, I think some senile vagrant has wandered in from the street claiming to be the leader of Ireland. Can you throw him out, I'm afraid he'll piss on the new carpet.

Enda: Yes, Ive heard the rumours. That Enda Kenny is twenty one years old, fit and virile with a full head of golden hair and biceps that curve like the Mountains of Mourne. Ive heard he doesn't need a hearing aid, doesn't use glasses to read a paper and doesn't have to wear an adult diaper after a night on the town in Castlebar drinking baileys, but I am Enda Kenny.

Nicolas Sarkozy: You look like a demented ice cream salesman who has been sacked for scaring the children with his stories. You cannot be the Irish leader. How could the Irish people elect an old man with no libido to lead them in their hour of need?

Enda: I have a healthy libido, just ask Fionnuala. How dare you accuse me of not being me! I am Enda Kenny. I see a room full of fellow politicians, here in defiance of what the electorate really wants. Do the people of France want a semi fascist pervert running the state? no. Do the people of Germany want a woman who makes Mary Harney look attractive calling the shots? no. But we are here as free men. What would you do with your freedom? Would you fight?

Angela Merkel: What the hell is this vagrant talking about Nicolas?

Nicolas Sarkozy: Be quite Angela, he may be old, but he could be dangerous. I think hes crazy.

Enda: Aye, crazy I might be. (Enda grabs a broom and straddles it and then moves up and down the room as if on horseback) Run and you'll survive...atleast until the next election. And lying in some far off countcentre many months from now, would you be willing to trade all days from now to then for one chance, just one, to tell the people that they may take away our elected seats but they'll never take.....our pensions!!!

Angela Merkel: Why are you even here you mad wrinkled man?

Enda: Ah, Im looking a reduction in the interest rate on our loan.

Angela Merkel: No.

Nicolas Sarkozy: No.

Enda: Ah....ok. Can I tell everyone that we had a fight and that you demanded we change our corporation tax but I said no.

Nicolas Sarkozy: No.

Enda: Ok, but Im going to anyway hahaha (Enda jumps through a window and runs off across the garden)

Angela Merkel: Who was that crazy man?

Nicolas Sarkozy: That man was Enda Kenny.

Angela Merkel: I think I will remember that name. We have not seen the end of mr eddie Kenny, the crazy Irish man.

Ireland turned blue?

This blog couldn't resist the urge to vomit on himself when he accidentally bypassed facebook and ended up on the Fine gael website, which proudly boasted that they had turned Ireland blue.

Turned Ireland blue???

As I wiped the vomit from my lap, two things ran through my head.

First, hadn't Fianna Fail already succeeded in turning Ireland blue when the sunk our nation into abyssal debt and never ending misery? And second, just what were Fine Gael celebrating?

Despite being the main opposition against the most hated government in the history of the state, they only managed to win 76 seats. Hardly a whooping victory when you consider that Fianna Fail won 77 seats in 1997 and 81 in 2002. Now they must enter government with Labour, meaning that half the things they promised the electorate will not come to pass.

I also found an interactive game which featured a cartoon version of Enda Kenny running across the screen while it loaded. I didn't wait for it to load. I found it quite boring. Suggestion to Fine Gael Techies - Next time have a guy with a shotgun chasing Kenny. I would find it far more entertaining.

Recession blues and late night phone calls with Enda kenny

It seems the Taoiseach elect, Enda Kenny, rings sick people up to see how they are and is more than willing to stay on the phone until they get tired and make up a lie to get rid of him.

"Sorry Enda, somebody at the door. Probably your bloody canvassers ho ho"

He also delights infants, remembers the first name of everyone who hes ever met, and brings small road kill animals back to life with his sheer sense of self righteousness. All of this and more was revealed on the Joe Duffy Love Enda fest show yesterday. In fact, it seems Ireland has found her knight in shining armour, the saintly, old king archetype hero who will lead us out of our downfall and into the light. Incredibly, hes been right in front of us our whole lives.

Yeah, he was the one we were poking fun and laughing at, the one we said was a bloody eejit and would never amount to anything. We were wrong apparently. How could our very own west of Ireland Gandhi, our Mayo Charlemagne have been so tasteless to us for so long?

Its kind of like the secret millionaire, except instead of giving someone in need a big bail out, hes going to give it to rotten banks and cut the crap out of the thousands of vulnerable citizens in this nation. Am I being overly negative about Enda? Is it because my party didnt make it in? Maybe. I guess I have those old recession blues again. Maybe Enda could ring me up and make it all better.