Enda Kenny gets Rebranded

Taoiseach Enda Kenny said today that he switched the title of the 'Jobs Budget' to 'Jobs Initiative' because some people were confused about what was being planned.

It seems that the coalition government are going to make a number of rebrandings to clear up other areas of confusion for the general public.

First of all, Fine Gael and Labours pre election promises are from now on to be referred to as the "Little white lies that were told to benefit the Irish people". The Universal Social charge will be rebranded as the "Happy Happy Smiley Face", while the cuts to the minimum wage will be known as "A small little price to pay to feed starving orphans", and of course, no government could ever reverse that!

Health Minister James O Reilly will be rebranded as St James the pious. The bank bail out will now be called the "terrible thing that fianna fail did" and Fianna Fail will be blamed for everything bad that happened during their term in government, and during this government.

Finally, Enda Kenny will be rebranded as E K Dudemister, to put him in touch with the disenfranchised youth of Ireland. He'll broadcast to them via satellite once a week. They should be able to receive it in their squats in Australia.

E K Dudemister

Hitler was a Fianna Failer - Leo Varadkar

Leo Varadkar has claimed that a referendum on the Bank Bail out is off the cards as it would be impossible to reverse the Fianna Fail plan. There was me thinking that only the elected government of a state could decide whether or not a referendum should be held, and that it had nothing to do with the last government. Is it a case that Fine Gael are using the "Fianna Fail did it" blame card excessively because they have no idea how to handle this situation, the same as they have no intention of honouring their pre election promises? Here we get inside Leo Varadkars head and learn that his blame FF for everything ideas have actually succeeded in brainwashing him to blame them for somethings that they surely couldnt have been responsible for. Or could they?

"Dear Enda,

I'm writing this letter in response to your letter dated December the third last, when you asked me to dig up the dirt on Fianna Fail. No doubt you remember that you joked that digging up the dirt on Fianna Fail wouldnt be hard. It turns out you were wrong. I have found evidence to suggest that Fianna Fail have been behind centuries of misery and woe."

"First off, Hitler was a Fianna Failer. I found an old membership card of his, and a picture of him sharing a banana sandwich with Dev. Stalin was also a member, as was Charles Manson, Margaret Thatcher, Osama Bin Laden, Colonel Gaddafi, Howard Stern and the members of Steps."

"Ive found out from internet conspiracy sites that Fianna Fail Don, Bertie Ahern was directly responsible for the Ebola virus and racism, and was also involved in the creation of acid rain, global terrorism, eight hundred years of English oppression, communism, Somalian pirate attacks and the burning of the Reichstag."

"It gets worst Enda. I found the minutes of a 1972 Galway Fianna Fail cumann meeting where they admitted engineering Malaria. According to a drunken tramp I met in the temple bar area, Fianna Fail may also be behind the Bubonic Plague and the Spanish Inquisition. I cant be 100% sure of this cause the tramp was quite drunk, but I wouldnt put it past the bastards."

"Finally, following a dream I had last week and a late night phone call with Alan Dukes, I also now think Fianna Fail are to blame for the following things; HIV/AIDs, genocide in Rwanda, the hole in the ozone layer, human trafficking, cocaine, the assassination of JFK, crop circles, the collapse of the USSR, Michael Noonans receding hair line, people making wine with their feet, scary clowns, bollywood, Michael Flatley, trash soaps, the loss of my innocence, red eye, the fall of Saigon and many, many other evil things."

"Please send the army and aircore to Fianna Fail HQ ASAP to arrest this bunch of bad guys. I'm already on my way. Ive got my cricket bat and signed pocket size picture of Garrett Fitzgerald so I should be able to hold them there for a while."

"Yours truly,

Leo"

Noonan and his broken promises

Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep.

Finance Minister Michael Noonan has denied reneging on election commitments to force major European bank lenders to take a hit on losses.

 

"We haven't broken our word," Mr Noonan insisted.

Screw the lot of them Dickie!

Leading up to the general election, Michael Noonan promised that not one more cent would go into the bank bail out. Now he tells us another €24 billion will be going into it.

 

Michael Noonan has famously called September 30th, 2008, the night of the bank guarantee, "The blackest day in the history of the state since the outbreak of the Civil War."  Now he will see over a grand escalation in the banking drama.

 

Before the election, Mr Noonan promised that he would make bond-holders share the burden of the debts of insolvent financial institutions.

The ECB refused to let the senior bondholders at Bank of Ireland and AIB be even lightly singed, let alone roasted, so the only burden sharing now possible is a long way down the line in Anglo and Irish Nationwide, but whatever money is eventually recovered from those institutions will be small, stale beer, compared to what has flowed into them.

Feck it, I'm in now!

Prior to the election, Noonan promised that he would make sure that fraudulent bankers are pursued for their crimes and face the law. Seanie Fitz and his friends are still walking the street, as is Michael Lowry, who accepted bribes while being in cabinet with Mr Noonan during Fine Gaels last term in government.

 

Michael Noonan has broken his election promises.

 

Fine Gael have broken their election promises.

 

Full Stop.

Joan Burton in Wonderland

What people simply cannot understand is that fat cat bankers and developers continue to live in the lap of luxury while ordinary people are struggling to make ends meet, while their children go to school in ever-bigger classes, and while their parents wait on trolleys for life-saving treatment.

The time has come for the day of reckoning. - Joan Burton 2/10/10

If the ECB decide, for example, that bondholders can never be touched, then we have to get a quid pro quo in terms of the structures that the ECB lay out for us. - Joan Burton 1/4/11 (After her Labour party had agreed to support another €26 billion being pumped into the bank bail out)

 

Once upon a time, a young finance spokeswoman was sitting on the opposition benches in Dail Eireann, bravely promising that her Labour party would never do to the Irish people what the vile Fianna Fail/ Green coalition had. Labour would not cut child benefit. Labour would not sit idly by while unemployment continued to grow. Labour would not put anymore money into the crazy bank bail out.

 

Joans mind was troubled with boredom. The Greens were giving one of their tedious monologues on their achievements in government. She began to drift off to that familiar day dream land of social democracy utopia where Eamon Gilmore never wore pants, when suddenly her eye caught sight of witty, slightly bitter Rabbit. The Pat Rabbitt.

 

The Pat Rabbit raced down a hole in the wall, and Joan followed, her heart beating with excitement. Suddenly she began to fall. She hit the bottom with a thump that even Michael D would have heard without his hearing aid. Where was she? A curious hall. There was a table. And upon it was a bottle that said drink me. As she held it to her mouth, the label peeled off revealing another label. It read, TOXIC COALITION - Warning; such a coalition can be hazzardous to your career, ego and sense of decency. Joan had a hure of a thirst on her so she let it off in one go. Than there was blackness.

 

She awoke to find a strange caterpiller sitting atop of a mushroom, smoking a hookah, glaring earerly at her. "Who are you?", young Joan asked. "I am Ming baby", the good natured, but off his tits caterpiller replied, "Want some if this? Its good shit." Joan ran from the pot smoking independent insect and promised she would never again set eyes upon him unless Labour needed a couple of Indos next time round.

 

Joan ran through the mysterious forest before reaching a clearing. There she found a dining table, fully laid out for afternoon tea. Sitting at the table was the finance minister, Madhatter Noonan, and the march hare, better known as Michael Lowry. Noonan was condemning the corruption of Fianna Failers, while turning a blind eye to Lowry, who was busy counting bank notes in a big bag marked bribes. Joan found the behaviour of the two individuals to be extremely confusing. When Noonan implies that the cabinet table is no place for women, Joan leaves insulted.

 

Joan finds herself in the Queen of Hearts garden. The Queen of Hearts, Enda Kenny is screaming at the King, Eamon Gilmore. Hes furious that King Gilmore has made crazed promises about not cutting benefits or paying off toxic bank debts. "Off with his head", Queen Enda screams, "Off with all their heads!!" Joan is suddenly surrounded by blueshirts armed with axes. A chorus of "Off with their heads" fills the air. Joan passes out.

 

She wakes in her office, and wipes the sweat from her brow. "All a dream," she utters, and signs the form on her desk authorising the cutting of child benefit.