IMF CRIBs

A team of officials from the IMF arrives in Ireland today to review the books at the Department of Finance. What exactly will they find? A department of professionals, who were wronged by an arrogant government? Or a bunch of feckin eejits who sit on their arse all day and blame everyone else for their mistakes?

 

 

"Yo dudes and lassies, its your home man Michael Noonan T to the D here for a special edition of IMF CRIBs. I'm here in a place that's no stranger to all night partying, drug orgies and sodomising... that's right, its government buildings, The Department of Finance section to be exact."

"The IMF have asked me to make a video to show them exactly what they've bought...I mean lent to, so here it is. The Department of Finance is made up of four main sections. First up, the Financial Services Division, or the mental heads as I like to call them. Its their job to deal with policy and legislation on the regulation of the financial services sector and the stability of the financial system. Ha ha ha. Who am I kidding? They're rarely here, and when they are their doing lines of charlie and sodomising each other ha ha ha, cool or what?"

Michael Noonan T to the D

"Next up its the party animals in the Budget Taxation and Economic Division. Hang on, I think I hear them holding another of their famous Keg parties. This is where Brian Lenihan spent most of the last few years, drunk out. These guys deal with overall budgetary policy; economic policy and forecasting; and taxation policy. That's why we made such a balls of it over the last decade. Try putting together a decent tax system when your drinking tequila off the well rounded breasts of a Brazilian prostitute!"

"Next up, its the Sectoral Policy Division. You wont find anyone drunk down here. No sir. They prefer the weed here. Jaysus, its like walking through a bush fire. These lads deal with sectoral policy advice and public expenditure management issues. They also use up half the departments annual budget on munchies. At least there not spending tax payers money on drugs. These guys grow their own on the roof of Leinster House."

"Finally, here we are in my favourite section, Public Services Management and Development. These guys deal with public service pay and conditions. You might have noticed that no one wears clothes in this department. Maybe its because they're free spirits, or maybe its the large, tax payer funded jacuzzi that they've had installed. Anyway, that's me crib you hoes. I'm off for a dip now, so from Minister of Finance Michael Noonan, keep it real dogs...... Hey Johnny, move over and let me in ya fecker."

Noonan and his broken promises

Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep.

Finance Minister Michael Noonan has denied reneging on election commitments to force major European bank lenders to take a hit on losses.

 

"We haven't broken our word," Mr Noonan insisted.

Screw the lot of them Dickie!

Leading up to the general election, Michael Noonan promised that not one more cent would go into the bank bail out. Now he tells us another €24 billion will be going into it.

 

Michael Noonan has famously called September 30th, 2008, the night of the bank guarantee, "The blackest day in the history of the state since the outbreak of the Civil War."  Now he will see over a grand escalation in the banking drama.

 

Before the election, Mr Noonan promised that he would make bond-holders share the burden of the debts of insolvent financial institutions.

The ECB refused to let the senior bondholders at Bank of Ireland and AIB be even lightly singed, let alone roasted, so the only burden sharing now possible is a long way down the line in Anglo and Irish Nationwide, but whatever money is eventually recovered from those institutions will be small, stale beer, compared to what has flowed into them.

Feck it, I'm in now!

Prior to the election, Noonan promised that he would make sure that fraudulent bankers are pursued for their crimes and face the law. Seanie Fitz and his friends are still walking the street, as is Michael Lowry, who accepted bribes while being in cabinet with Mr Noonan during Fine Gaels last term in government.

 

Michael Noonan has broken his election promises.

 

Fine Gael have broken their election promises.

 

Full Stop.